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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Its not you that I dont trust...

My whole life I thought my parents have been very liberal with my sister and me. Letting us make are own decisions even as children and letting us watch horror movies at a young age and giving us a small glass of beer a birthdays Christmas and Easter.

But as an Adult I now see that I did not and still dont have the same freedom as my sister (who douse not have a disability). Now I do recognise that my parents though they were doing what was in my best intrest but now it seams to have stunted me in many ways.

My parents were always told that I would become more and more dependent on them as I got older it was though that by my 18th birthday I would be permanently in a wheelchair. And even though the doctors kept pushing me to use my wheelchair more I have continuously pushed back to not use it and I think this is why I am not bound to it today.
My parents took us traveling and gave us freedom of choice because they thought I would never get to experience these things as I got older. They always told me I was no different to the other children and that I had to speak up to be heard (I think they regret the speaking up part now)
So when they tried to join the short statured people of SA I did not understand why.... " I am normal and they are wired" I told them and when they asked me if I wanted to join I said No.... why they listened to me choice I do not really understand. They never had me participate and interact with other people with disabilities in any other activities. Leaving me now with the inability to feel connected with the disability community.... (which I know sounds odd)

But I also never got to go on school camps like my sister always did because the school was scared to have me on one and my parents thought they would have to be there for me..... I always wanted to go camp I hated that my sister got to do this exciting thing and that I had to stay home. However my sister hated camp and was jealous of me getting to stay home. She believed I got to spend lots of time with mum and dad and she wanted that attention. I think I didnt get quality time.. the time I had was running back and forth to doctors and physio etc I would of much rather been at camp making friends then have this so called quality time. As such I dont feel contected with others my age I struggle to make a contection when I always spent time with people much older with me then those my own age.

I think I have strayed a little off point... but not really I am trying to say that I did not get to spend time with people with disabilities or students and school. I had very few friends in fact a lot of the time I spent on my own at school, and those who you could say were my friends never invited me out because I was to much of a responsibility....
And this so called responsibility has followed me everywhere, I still dont get invited out because people see me as a hindrance....

I have developed a dependence on my parents... they have always told me that they will always be here to do things for me and take me out so I have this fear of doing things on my own....
It douse not help that my father has made it is goal in life to instill the fear of god in me about the evil world and how I am not safe.... Constantly telling me when I want to go out "Its not you that I dont trust its the other people, its dangerous out there" So I stay here where it is safe where I have only mum and dad who have now come to the realisation they are not getting any younger and can no longer run me around, but I dont have the life skills to do this for myself leaving us in between a rock and a hard place.

I struggle to connect to communities of people because its always been me mum dad and my sister ... I cant find where I fit in and have no strong bonds to any friends... those who I call friend I dont see and we dont go out but I know them and see them around occasionally.

So I decide to take a stand .... scaring my perents telling them I know they meant well but I feel toataly unprapered for the world I feel like I dont have the life skills to cope and that I need to feel like I have a choice and not like I have to ask permission..... or like I am taking sides when making a decision... so I decide I want to be able to do things on my own and this means even if you dont like it you dont get to say no...
And I want my car license.... Another one of my fathers hates he has always told me I can not drive I will never drive and even now as I try to study and get my L's he is always telling me its harder then you think your not tall enough your not strong enough.... Well good for you dad way to make me feel positive... I am so about to tell him where to stick his negative feedback...
Now I have so far failed twice on my give ways which at first did not bother me but now I am paranoid that I cant remember the book and I am scared I will never pass. and well dad just keeps harassing me to go back which is putting more unneeded stress on me.

I want to get away but I am terrified of independents I am scared of the other people who we dont trust....
Who the fuck are these people anyway! they are the imaginary people that every parent is scared of those who could harm your children.... Well dad the world may be filled with bad people and something bad could happen but you are still here and your 59 so I think I might just stand a chance....
Now if only I could find the confidence to step away from the curb and start exploring life and independence...

Douse this even make sense or have I wobbled on with many stories and just blurted out a whole lot of pent up stress.... well its always good to express oneself right....